From the Pages: Deep Listening vs. Hearing (The Fixer Trap)

(EI & Relationship Mastery Newsletter – Season 4, Article 5)

Good evening.

First, a small confession and an apology.

You usually receive this newsletter on Monday morning to start your week. It is now the end of the week.

To be perfectly honest, this week has been a whirlwind. Between the post-launch momentum of the book, client workshops, and the inevitable curveballs of life, my schedule was completely hijacked. I found myself running from one urgent task to the next, with barely a moment to breathe, let alone write.

But there is a serendipity to this delay. Because the very thing I struggled with this week—the noise, the rush, the pressure to “fix” everything immediately—is exactly what we need to talk about today.

In the chaos of a crazy week, the first thing to go is usually our ability to truly listen. We switch into “survival mode.” We hear words, but we stop processing meaning. We become “Fixers” instead of “Leaders.”

So, taking a deep breath in this quiet moment, let’s dive into Chapter 1 of “Quiet Power: Leading with Impact.”

I wrote a statement that challenges the “Action Hero” model of leadership:

“Listening, in leadership, is more than just hearing words; it’s about understanding underlying emotions, picking up on unspoken dynamics, and tuning into the needs of others.”

Today, we are going to explore the vast chasm between Hearing and Deep Listening.

We will look at the dangerous trap of the “Fixer” leader, and I will share a story of how one of my clients saved a key employee from quitting—not by solving her problem, but by hearing what she didn’t say.

The Physics of Hearing vs. The Art of Listening

Let’s start with a distinction.

Hearing is a physiological act. Sound waves hit your eardrum, vibrations travel to the cochlea, and your brain registers a noise. It is automatic. If you are not deaf, you cannot help but hear.

Listening is a psychological act. It is a choice. It requires you to suspend your own ego, your own agenda, and your own internal monologue to fully inhabit the reality of another person.

Most leaders operate at the “Hearing” level. They treat communication like a transactional data transfer.

Employee: “I’m worried about the deadline.”
Leader (Hearing): “I hear you. I’ll add two resources. Problem solved.”

This is the “Fixer” Leader.

The Fixer believes their value comes from having answers. When someone speaks, the Fixer is not listening to understand; they are listening to reload. They are scanning the conversation for keywords they can solve so they can move on to the next task. They are playing “Whack-a-Mole” with problems.

The “Deep Listener” (the Quiet Power leader) operates differently. They understand that the words are just the tip of the iceberg. The real message—the fear, the motivation, the hidden conflict—lies beneath the surface.

Employee: “I’m worried about the deadline.”
Leader (Deep Listening): (Pauses). “You’ve hit tight deadlines before without this level of concern. What feels different about this one?”

Do you feel the difference? The Fixer addresses the logistics. The Listener addresses the dynamic.

The Case Study: The Star Performer Who Went Dark

Let me tell you about a client named “Raj” (name changed). Raj was a Director of Engineering—smart, fast, and a classic “Fixer.” He loved solving technical bottlenecks.

Raj had a star performer named “Lina.” Lina was brilliant, reliable, and the backbone of the team. But over the course of a month, Lina’s performance dipped. She missed two minor deadlines. She stopped turning on her camera during Zoom calls. She became short in her emails.

Raj, being a Fixer, went into solution mode.

He thought: “She’s overloaded.” -> Solution: He took two projects off her plate.
He thought: “She needs motivation.” -> Solution: He publicly praised her work in the All-Hands meeting.

Nothing worked. In fact, Lina seemed more withdrawn. Raj was frustrated. “I’ve fixed her workload, I’ve given her praise. What does she want?” he asked me. “I think she’s just checking out. I might need to prepare for her resignation.”

I stopped him. “Raj, you are throwing solutions at a problem you haven’t diagnosed. You are hearing her silence as ‘laziness’ or ‘burnout.’ But you haven’t actually listened to the silence.”

I gave him a challenge. “Schedule a 30-minute call. No agenda. No ‘fixing.’ Your only goal is to find out what is unspoken.”

The Conversation: Tuning into the Unspoken

Raj got on the call. He started with the standard, “How are things?”

Lina gave the standard answer: “Fine. Just busy. Thanks for taking those projects off my plate.”

The “Fixer” Raj would have said, “Great, let’s get back to work.”

The “Quiet Power” Raj (which he was learning to be) paused. He noticed her tone. It wasn’t relieved; it was defeated.

He tried a technique from the book called “The Second Inquiry.”

“Lina,” Raj said gently. “You say you’re fine, but you sound… heavy. And honestly, taking those projects away didn’t seem to bring the spark back. I feel like I’m missing something. What is actually going on?”

Silence. Long silence. (The Strategic Silence we discussed last week).

Finally, Lina sighed. “It’s not the work, Raj. I love the work.”

She hesitated, then continued. “It’s the new Product Manager, Steve. Every time I propose a technical solution, he interrupts me. He talks over me in every meeting. And last week, he took credit for the architecture redesign I spent the weekend building. I feel… erased. And when you took the projects away, it felt like you were confirming that I was the problem.”

Raj was stunned. He had missed the dynamic completely. He wasn’t in those specific meetings. He had assumed it was a workload issue (Physics). It was actually a respect issue (Emotion).

The Pivot: From Fixing to Healing

Because Raj finally listened to the underlying dynamic, he could take the right action.

He didn’t fix the workload; he fixed the environment.
He had a private, hard conversation with Steve about respect and credit.
He set up a new protocol for meetings to ensure Lina had the floor.
He apologized to Lina for misinterpreting her withdrawal.

The Result:

Lina didn’t quit. In fact, she led the next major launch with renewed energy.

Raj saved a key employee and solved a toxic cultural issue that was likely affecting others, too.

If Raj had stayed in “Fixer” mode, he would have lost his best engineer while trying to “help” her. By shifting to “Deep Listening,” he uncovered the unspoken dynamic and saved the team.

The 3 Levels of Listening (How to Apply This)

In the book, I outline a framework adapted from Co-Active Coaching called the Three Levels of Listening. Most leaders get stuck at Level 1. Quiet Power leaders master Level 3.

Level 1: Internal Listening (Listening to Respond)

Focus: On yourself.
Internal Monologue: “What does this mean for me?” “I have a similar story.” “I know the answer to this.”
Result: You project your own reality onto them. (This was Raj assuming Lina was just overworked).

Level 2: Focused Listening (Listening to Content)

Focus: On the other person (Laser beam).
Internal Monologue: “I hear the words you are saying.” “I understand the logic.”
Result: You get the facts, but you might miss the feeling.

Level 3: Global Listening (Listening to Dynamics)

Focus: On the atmosphere, the emotion, and the unspoken.
Internal Monologue: “What is the tone of voice telling me?” “What is not being said?” “What is the energy in the room?”
Result: You pick up on the “unspoken dynamics” mentioned in the quote. You hear the hesitation. You sense the conflict.

Your “Quiet Power” Challenge

This week (or what’s left of it!), I challenge you to practice Level 3 Listening.

Pick one interaction—a meeting, a 1-on-1, or even a dinner conversation with your spouse.

Turn off the “Fixer”: Tell yourself, “I am not allowed to offer a solution in this conversation.”
Listen for the “Music”: Ignore the lyrics (the words) for a moment and listen to the music (the tone, the pace, the energy).
Ask the “Unspoken” Question: If you sense a disconnect between the words and the music, ask about it.

“Listening… is about understanding underlying emotions.”

When you do this, you stop being a manager who moves tasks around, and you become a leader who moves people.

Thank you for your patience with this week’s delayed newsletter. I hope that in reading this, you felt heard, not just informed.

Until next week (Monday, I promise!), lead by listening.

Kindaichi Lee, Your Transformative Storyteller 🎬